Honest Confessions of a First Time Mom

September 28, 2017
Dear Husband, Thank You
September 29, 2017

It was a week since I had missed my periods, and here we go for a home pregnancy test. The 2 pink lines immediately brought a smile on my and my husband’s face. Our families were even happier.

We went with flow and everything was going well. By God’s grace I had a very normal pregnancy and I was perfectly fit throughout. My husband always wished for me to complete the 40 weeks of my pregnancy but I wanted the baby as early as possible because, little did I know that being pregnant was the easiest part of the journey.

I am a strong believer of “The Secret”, which says your thoughts have the power to attract the good and the bad, and hence I always thought I will have a very easy baby. Here, I admit that my baby was not a very difficult child but the problem was I was unaware of certain facts, which my mind couldn’t accept.

Then, finally the day came to bring my little rockstar to this world. 38 hours of labour, drained all the energy off me and after all the efforts when my son was finally out, I was blank. Yes, I was blank, with no feelings, neither happy nor sad. I was just quiet. I confess I could not connect with my son. I had no motherly feelings rushing. I had no urge to pick my baby, to spend time with him. (P.S. it doesn’t mean I don’t love my son now, he is my world)

Then started a series of events which all the more didn’t let me connect to my son. The doctors said feed your baby every 2 hours in the day and every 3 hours in the night, and my mind was like Oh, it means I am not going to get a full night’s sleep. I was low on milk supply, which was the major problem. My son obviously would go on crying out of hunger day and night. All what I heard from the doctors was breastfeeding is best and just keep trying. My son was not gaining adequate weight and we had to take help of formula feed for a short time. Feeding my baby formula triggered my self confidence to a huge level, the guilt just couldn’t go. My son use to go on sucking for an hour. I have breastfed him from 1 hour to 40 minutes to 30 minutes to 10 minutes presently. From engorged breasts to bleeding nipples, I have suffered all. I confessed I blamed this all on my baby. It pinches my heart when I look back today, I use to get so angry on him, and he use to smile just at me. They say mothers love their babies unconditionally, no doubt they do, but in my case my son started loving me first.

He was not a colic baby, a very decent sleeper since 2months of age, never cried for reasons unknown, and never behaved cranky even after vaccinations. I confess I had a pretty easy baby, I blamed my son but it was not his fault, fault was of my mind, my thoughts. Thoughts like my freedom to move out of house is gone, my sleep is disturbed, my schedule is so disturbed and so on, which are obviously complementary with the baby.

He is 9 months now, and touchwood a very well eater, never troubled me much for solids. A very happy and a smiling baby.

To all the first time new moms, here are few things I would like to say is, breastfeeding is certainly the best, but if it isn’t possible, a fed and happy baby is always better. Whenever you are having a bad day, do remember, it is just a phase and this too shall pass.

To all the ladies, who go to visit the newborn and the mom, please do not compare your child with the new born and make comments like my baby has never troubled me like this. You have no idea what thoughts the new mom must be fighting through. But do not forget to tell them that they are doing a wonderful job. After all a happy mom means a happy baby.

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